The Silver Lining of Feeling Heavy

I’m just going to come out with it - I’ve gained a bit of weight. The below pictures might explain why...

This time last year, I was ‘thin’. All my clothes fit a bit looser, I could see definition of my clavicles, and my cheekbones were more noticeable. People would comment that I looked good and looking thin felt nice...on the surface. But at the end of the day, I was really unhappy. Me being unhappy and confused and withdrawn is what led to me being thin.

Me, last year. I had gotten my hair cut and styled to look different hoping it would make me feel different. Not quite yet

When I was thinner, I didn’t feel heavy physically but I sure felt heavy as hell mentally and emotionally. I felt like there was always a gray cloud over me. Like I was stuck at the bottom of a well, where it was dark and cold. I couldn’t get out of it even if I tried. Feeling this way all the time made me a different person. I didn’t care to eat or go out to see friends. I was anxious and I had no confidence. I felt like I was existing in this body but it wasn’t mine and I was lying to everyone. That sense of heaviness is something I would prefer not to experience again. All of it was incredibly tough on my BF and my family and I will do what I can to prevent them from having to go through it again.

With the help of my dear family and friends (and therapist and medicine), I was able to dig myself out of my isolated dread-filled hole. And my joy for things came back. Especially my love for food. And so now, here we are.

Slowly but surely I am working on ways to shed some of this weight, but I’m also finding ways to live with it (to use ‘embrace’ seems a bit strong). I don’t weigh myself on a scale but my guess is I’ve probably gained around 8 pounds, which is very noticeable for a 5 foot tall lady. I’ll keep you all posted on my routine once it becomes, well, routine.

Here’s what I really want to get at: I feel heavier now than I did last year. Does it make me feel great? No. But the thing is, it’s a physical feeling I’m experiencing right now. It’s tangible and it’s something that I know (for the most part) how to change and improve. I can set up a workout schedule, a set of diet rules, and I can have goals. For example, I can strive to be healthy and happy. And that puts me in a much different, much better place than I was at a year ago.

I would rather feel heavy with a few extra pounds than feel heavy in my heart.

Me doing better with the help of the BF and my fam. Still a work in progress, but feeling good :)

Please know I do not wish to trivialize what others are feeling and dealing with. People have gone through so much more than I have. My experience with depression and anxiety has never jeopardized my life and I am able to cope with it on a day-to-day basis with the help of loved ones. I believe support and having someone to talk to can make such a difference (can text or call). Reading about other people’s experiences has also been super helpful for me and I would like to contribute what I can to the larger conversation.